Facepalm
by NekoRainbow
Summary: Kuro's the second female member of Akatsuki. In her own opinion, her birthday-present for her best friend Hidan was a totally awesome idea, but will the others think the same, when she drags Jashin from the sky to tie a ribbon around his neck? *facepalm* Will there be yaoi! Will there be lemons! You'll never know, but this is going to be FabULouSSS! MUHAHAHAA!
1. Chapter 1

I gasped loudly. I did it! I finally reached him! He's… well, not exactly what I had imagined, but hey! At this point, I didn't really give a fuck.

I think he tried to pick himself up from the ground. The jolts through his body surely wasn't only pain-inflicted. I think…

His skin looked very wet and slippery. I swayed between disgust and the need to clean him up, but couldn't really decide which would be the better option.

He suddenly jerk up in sitting position, whereupon he clenched his stomach and began to gag and cough vigorously. My mother-hen-instinct immediately kicked in, and I rushed to his side.

"Are you o-hummpf!" He kicked me in the stomach! Can you believe that? I flew through the basement and crashed into the opposite wall. Physically it hurt like a bitch, but my emotions were damaged the most. I mentally padded my own head and told myself he only caught me on the wrong leg. My pride as kunoichi was still intact.

I easily got on my feet, elegantly brushing away imaginary dirt. My back ached, but the thick drapery on the wall took the most of the hit. I angrily trampled toward the pentagram, where my ill-mannered summoning still resided.

Almighty or not, this bitch would pay for his crimes!

Personally, I didn't think he looked too good: He was now lying on his back, clawing the floor, gasping for breath in a very alarming way. Despite the fact, that he was a possible danger to my health, I still sat down beside him. His eyes were staring into nothing, hardly focusing at my face, as I hovered over him.

"Get yourself together man! Aren't you supposed to be a god?" I warily poked his cheek with a single finger. Hidan would kill the fuck out of me, if I accidently murdered his illustrious Lord Jashin.

Nothing happened. Oh shit, now he stopped breathing. Fuck Hidan, I was so _not_ giving this stranger mouth to mouth. I'd rather let him suffocate… I was about to turn away and give up on all this, when five, long and not to mention _greasy_ fingers caught my wrist. 'Help' was implied.

Why would _I_ always volunteer to all these freaking troublesome tasks?! Couldn't I just have candy-bribed the newb Tobi to do this? Now I had to think fast to fix this self-inflicted mess I just made…

Wait, was I stupid or something? Wind-chakra would make an excellent replacement of my breath!

I violently pressed my left hand against his chest. I found a steady pace, pumping up and down. I placed my right hand over his mouth and nose. I made sure both was wide open - he looked like an idiot like this, by the way - and began pressing wind-chakra through my palm.

My breath was steady. If I had had any kind of chakra-control needed for healing I had used that, but thinking wasn't really my thing. I took pride in impulsivity. I liked the rush. The kill, the pace and adrenalin… Unfortunately, situation like this frequently occurred, testing my patience.

I lost focus for half a second and accidently blew a big shot of air through his windpipe. His chest expanded significantly and a convulsion tore through his body. I barely had time to accuse myself of fucking up, before his eyes shot wide-open. He coughed violently and sent spit and other disgusting liquids in my direction.

I gracefully stood up, dodged and then starred at him. "You're horrible."

He blinked a couple of times before his pupils got tuned to the dim lightning and could focus on me.

"What the fuck?!" he hissed. Those three words said everything.

"Nice to meet you. My name is Kuro, I summoned you here to serve as a birthday present to a close friend, and before you get to ask, so yeah. I know who you are, and - no offense - but I'm a bit disappointed. You look like crap…" Yep, that would sum up that.

He gaped at me. Too much information?

He was a boy after all...

I twisted my body, making the long, heavy cloak swing around me. I tssk'ed and quickly went through my options. First point: Leave or stay. Fun fact: It's three PM, which normally meant I would be sound asleep. I chose to stay and wait until that silly excuse of a god got a hold of himself.

I shifted on my feet. I scratched my arm. I farted silently. Then I poked him with the tip of my sandal. Ten seconds were about how long my patience reached.

"Listen, here's the plan: We go upstairs. You're slimy, so you shower. I'll trash your rags - they're a mess. I get you something to wear, and then you prepare one hell of speech or something for tomorrow. I'll see pillows meanwhile. Questions? Good." He was probably just too dumbstruck to answer.

I smirked inwardly, before dragging him toward the door with two fingers. I really did not want to know what that thick, milky fluid that clung to his skin was, but…

-OOO-

"Please tell me you didn't drown yourself in there?! Hidan'd throw a fit!"

I heard the water be turned off. Then he spoke in a soft, friendly tone: "Hidan you say..." The handle moved down. Too late, I understood what was happening. "STOOOP!" And there he was. Flashing his naked manhood, making my brain scream and rapidly pop up censure-sign all over my vision, as in a desperate attempt to minimize the permanent trauma already imprinted on my poor, innocent mind.

"Get a frikin' fucking towel, you fagtagfucktard! Are you trying to fucking blind me?" I mindlessly screamed right in his face, so that he was literally blown back into the bathroom. I heard a muffled 'yes ma'am, immediately ma'am!' and what supposedly was a frantic search for before-mentioned cover. I didn't bother to tell him, that I recently moved all towels to the top-drawer in my room. He'd learn.

Then I sat down in a corner, shakenly trying to recover from the trauma - gasping in horror.

* * *

-OOO-

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 **This story is a tribute to fandom and rAnDOmneSSSSSSS! 'Cause normal is overestimated and freaks are gonna rule the world (along with nerds, but we don't talk about that)! *Happy facepalm* X3**

 **(In the next chapter: Hidan will get his present and face an existential crisis) ~ NekoRainbow;**


	2. Chapter 2

"Do it."

"No _fucking_ way in hell a god like-"

"Do it."

"I told ya! I WILL NEVER-EVER-EVER PUT ON THAT HIDEOUS OUTFIIIIIIIII-" The last word was drawn out in a very long, very _high_ -pitched whine, as I kicked him between the legs. He fell to the ground clutching his crotch. After all, that's what you get for opposing me ~

I couldn't help, but bend over, as I laughed hysterically 'til my belly felt like fire and I thought I might die. When I finally got a hold of myself - after several unbelievable painful and entertaining minutes - I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes before opening them.

When my eyelids finally went up, I found yet another pair of extremely creepy, extremely _purple_ eyes, starring viciously into mine. _Ups,_ was my first thought. The second was: _His eyes aren't really too bad ~_

I quickly got on my feet, still chuckling. I bowed my head and looked down on my poor gift. He was in a bad shape. I really hoped he'd get his voice back before he met Hidan. I wouldn't like Hidan to think his god was a eunuch or something…

"You'll pay, little kunoichi! I'll kill you a thousand times and have bugs and dogs feast on your silly corps, before I revive it again to burn you in acid and…" Can you imagine those threats lose their horror, when mouthed in a very whiny, very pathetic way? Not impressed.

"Oh would you shut up. You're acting like a spoiled child! Just put it on already - or is it that you'd rather go naked?!" Ha! That shut his mouth. I briefly glanced at the clock radio. I had wasted way too much time on this ridiculous sample.

With the tip of my toes, I pushed the small cluster of smooth, shimmering fabric toward him.

"Don't forget the ears ~"

-OOO-

I slammed the door open so hard, that it hit the wall with a loud, not too healthy sound seen from the poor doors view.

"Happy birthday TOOOOO YOUUU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YYOOOUUUUUUUU~~~" I sang. Or screamed. Same shit when it's me we're talking about.

Hidan shot up in the bed, with his hair pointing in all possible (and impossible) direction, and a wild look in his wide, purple eyes. His chin fell down in shock or maybe disbelief. I did not mind.

"Good morning sleeping beauty! Has your sleep been fabulous as always?!" Okay 'beauty' might have been pushing it... But I have to say that little, delicate stream of saliva now running down his chin just matched his facial expression perfectly ~

"Better close that foul mouth of yours... Here're flies."

"The fuck Kuro?!" he rasped, sleepily.

"Just sayin' it! I saw one earlier that was really big and hairy and stuff... Trust me, you wouldn't want that nasty motherfucker anywhere near-"

"Stoooop!" He covered his ears with an utterly disgusted expression. "Too much information! But what in the name of Jashin are you doing here?!"

That way of phrasing it made me grin really, really sheepishly.

Then, what he had actually said, reached my brain, and I frowned annoyed. "A little amazement would be in place here... Didn't you just see that incredulous arrival of mine there? MIND-blowing!"

I hesitated and used (AKA wasted) a second or two on thinking. Then I attacked.

I threw myself on the bed and had a surprised and shouting Hidan blindfolded in no time.

"Okay snowball, don't burn me, but you can't look 'til I tell you. This is extremely important for today's further proceeding!" After a second I added in an ominous tone: "And your own continued wellbeing…"

This quieted him down, and dampened his violent struggle to break free beneath me. My boy knew what served him best ~

I stood up and swung my hair over my shoulder with a satisfied snort. I turned around and saw to my surprise, that a whole little crowd had gathered in the doorway. Kisame gapped like a fish (ironically enough), and Deidara clutched his belly and was apparently having some kind of silent laughing fit. Itachi and Sasori just stood there, and Tobi peeped out from behind the frame. Konan leaned against the wall just inside the room, with her arms crossed and a little chuckle on her lips.

Kakuzu wasn't there. He was pretty, damn busy catching up on some male nin, who amazingly enough had managed to break in and escape with half his savings barely a day ago.

So now he wasn't here to throw tantrums over every single light in the birthday cake or have mental breakdowns over the - in my eyes, fairly economic – party I was throwing. If you looked at it that way, I had actually done him a favor, having an old admirer loan his purse… Or whatever…

I winked at them cockily. Then I grabbed Hidan by the wrist and enthusiastically began dragging him toward the door. I heard Hidan stumble out of the bed and curse a little, as I did not slow down. Then I heard Tobi wimp and saw him stare at something behind me. I followed his glare and saw…

Fuck. I had completely forgotten about this horrifying men's habit of sleeping naked. This was the second time in only _six_ hours! But somehow, my body and mind didn't respond the same way as the first time. Well, I still got dizzy and stuff, and the trauma was definitely there, but still… Now I could even _appreciate_ his features. _Appreciate_.

Then I looked below the bellybutton and…

"Oh FUCK!" I let go of Hidan's wrist and smacked both hand over my burning eyes, as I stumbled backwards. The pain. The horror! Okay forget what I just said.

"WHAT the FUCK is going ON?!" Hidan shouted. I heard him trip, and suddenly I was afraid he would un-blindfold himself. Okay, I admit, that it wouldn't have changed much, as we were still in his own room, but it would still shatter the bigger picture in my eyes, so _fuck_ you! I. Don't. Care.

Therefore, I turned around and used one hand to point at him (the other safely covering my eyes), even though he couldn't see it.

"Do NOT take off that blindfold!" I felt my brain sob. "Konan, get this amateur-flasher his damn cloak! No not that one, it's all sticky with blood and oh dear Jashin… Is that-?! Just pants then…"

-OOO-

The living room was big and cozy. All of the furniture was dusty and secondhand. Annoyingly strong, naked bulbs were responsible for the silly illumination. That's what happens when a sucky, old geezer does the shopping.

Anyways! For an instant, I had pushed all of the armchairs and sofas up against the walls, so I now had a big, clear space in the middle of the room. In the center of the empty area, towered - hold on, here it comes - a big! ENORMOUS! _Beauti_ ful! Phenomenally! _Fabulous_ cake! Ten feet tall, soaked in cream and decorations, with a plethora (we're talking billions here) of baby-blue birthday candles and the big flashy words: "CONGRATS ON THE 23 YEARS!" written in thick, pink icing. There was a small hole in the bottom of the first 'O', where Tobi had snuck up earlier and taken a little taster.

I could see Sasori stare fixated on the innocent, imperfect letter. His left eye began to tic rapidly, and I could see his hands repeatedly quiver in the direction of the cake. He looked like he was seconds away from exploding in perfectionistic mania and fix his stained, eternal art.

I had kind of felt like a hero when I realized, I had finally given the hyper-aggressive artists something to bond over. The doll and the blondie had been up all night (not literally, but almost) to bake and design their joint masterpiece with all kinds of hidden clay bombs (explanation later) and artistic features.

Normally, Sasori was a total disaster in a kitchen.

Well, contrary to popular belief, Sasori was an excellent chief, who always made tasty and decorative meals. But then - when the downright irresistibly delicious food were done and just stood there and smelled like heaven, he would let frigin' no one get _near_ the goddamn food! (This unpleasant habit of his had led to several, but particularly _one_ memorable event… The author better put a link in in the **A/N**!)

But today he had compromised under the circumstances, that he wouldn't have to see it blast ~

"Okay – Hidan? Prepare to be blown backwards be my _incredible_ , _memorable_ and out _standing_ creativeness! Here we go!" I reached up behind Hidan and untied my fanciful and kind of offhand knot from before. I had to applause him that he didn't even winch, as I probably tugged out half of his hair along with the rag. I mean blindfold. But he was probably just to astonished by my (or Blondie and doll's - fuck that) masterpiece of a birthday cake…

I smirked, because _I_ knew the best had yet to come ~ But still his expression was priceless. You could almost see his little man-brain zoom in and shut out everything but the food, which – I have to admit - appeared to be damn tasty.

Almost a shame to destroy it but meh. I discreetly blew a narrow beam of compact air toward the music player, which pushed a button, _which_ again turned on a scratching birthday jingle.

 _Showtime ~_ I thought.

I expectantly stared at the cake, with a big smirk plastered all over my face. Two seconds passed. Then another two. Then _yet_ three more went by. I frowned annoyed, and cleared my throat loudly. Nothing happened. Or well, a couple of people began to stare at me weirdly, but my eyes were unswervingly focused on the cake. I tried again. The cake didn't change a fucking bit. I shot a quick glance at Deidara, who shrugged helplessly. I took a deep and restrained breath to charge my choking-voice, before I angrily glared at the pink-glazed monster once again.

"RRGGHOOMMgetyourassmovingARRRHUUMMHHFFourIswearI'llHAHMMPFUCKINGKILLYOU!" More or less subtle but this motherfucker of a pastry was seriously beginning to get the best of me. At least my delicate outburst shook off a reaction:

The cake suddenly burst in all possible direction and out of the creamy, pink rain a figure stepped. As soon as the first pieces burst, all light had been turned off (Tobi got the switch, if you were curious). Only a single, bright projector illuminated the scene and _it_ was placed right behind the cake, which had blocked the view from the door where we stood.

But enough explanation (though the whole scene could only have been planned by a true mastermind, in my opinion). Against the lone shine you could clearly see a single, deform silhouette. It was striking a sexy pose with one hand on the narrow hip, the other one hidden behind the head, from which two, crooked _things_ pointed straight up. The long, slender legs self-confidently spread and solidly planted on the ground leaning a little to the left.

I glanced at Hidan to make sure the figure had his full attention. It certainly had, as he stared at it confusedly. I suppressed a complacent laughter. _Nailed it!_ I thought.

The silhouette moved slowly. The raised arm was lowered and the head turned until we saw the face in profile. The nose was sharp-cut and the lips soft, but protruding. The silhouette began to speak, in a deep and mighty voice.

"23 years since your birth." I heard Hidan gasp by the sound of the voice, "5 years since you joined my religion. You have spent your time wisely, and have many heathen-lives on your conscience. You rarely sin, and spread the word widely. You are indeed a pure and treasured worshipper…"

"Jashin-sama!" I heard him whisper enthralled.

The projector suddenly shut down leaving the room in complete darkness. Somebody whimpered and a muted "the fuck Tobi, get off me, un!" nearly broke the silence, before the deep voice from before dripped out in the room. It sounded like it came from all directions on the same time, giving us the humble feeling of being really, really small and vulnerable…

"Yes, Hidan," those two, single words filled the entire room and made even me wince. Then every single bulb in the whole room suddenly lit up, making everybody take a step back and blink in surprise and numb pain.

Hidan gasped even louder than before.

I got my vision back as my pupils reshaped against the new light.

"I _am_ your Jashin-sama." The voice had completely changed character. It had lost all its horror and frightening power. On the contrary, it now had a sweet and seductive edge, and it was very, very easy to determine its source… Which happened to be the person standing in the middle of the room.

A person provokingly dressed in clothes that exposed more than they hid - even on the placed they _did_ cover. But they weren't many… The slick fabric clung to his body. It really showed off his torso and - not to forget – abs ~ In sharp contrast to the masculine upper body, on the lower half, he wore a short, loose skirt and long, high-heeled boots. You couldn't determine the length of the hair, as it was spun up in a bun on the top of his head, but it must have been pretty long, judged on the soft, silver bangs covering almost half his face.

The two abnormalities on his head turned out to be ears. Big, fluffy bunny ears… In pink.

All in all, cute as hell. And sexy… _Damn_ sexy…

Now, Jashin leaned forward, staring dead-on at Hidan, with one of his hands on the hip, the other near his chin, as he continued to speak in a sweet and seductive tone:

"Happy birthday Hidan, ne~" He winked cockily and blew a kiss toward his mind-blown worshipper.

I gave myself an imaginary high-five and swung my long, raven hair over my right shoulder in satisfaction. This was an intellectual masterpiece, performed to perfection under my firm and significant supervision.

I looked at Hidan through the corner of my eyes, with a really catty and smug grin, which quickly vanished. I cursed loudly and sincerely, making Tobi – who still clung to Deidara - gasp.

But Hidan had nosebleed. _Excessive_ nosebleed.

His intense and wide-eyed stare was locked on the provokingly dressed god before him. His nostrils were dilated as fuck, allowing inhuman amounts of blood to spray out of him in two thick rays. It barely took him seconds to soak his pants and _everything_ around him. It might be a limited amount of blood one can force out two small holes in ones nose, but if Hidan kept up this pace, there wouldn't be more left in about two minutes.

"FuckfuckfuckFUCK! Shiiiiiiiit - Sasori quickly! Heal this fucker's nose before he dies of freaking blood loss!" I totally panicked and kind of ran around in circles like a headless hen (an unimportant part I elegantly clipped out, when I retold the day afterwards), "and SOMEBODY fucking stop that _horrible_ music for the sake of Jashin!"

Tobi hurried to the music station and had the abrasive tones strangled in no time. Sasori rushed to Hidan's side, just in time to catch the idiot, as he fainted and collapsed on the blood-drenched floor.

Now the heavy stream had decreased to uneven squirts. I couldn't tell if it was a good or bad thing. It could mean, that the blood vessels were speed healing themselves, closing off the flow, but it could also mean that he simply already had poured out all of his blood on the floor.

A voice in the back of my head assured me, that Hidan himself could clean up this shit if he survived.

Wait. Survived? This son of a bitch was immortal. He literally couldn't _do_ anything but survive! But then, what was I so Jashin-damned worked up over?

I embarrassed face-palmed over my own reaction. Affection does stupid things to people. Love is even worse. Or so I've heard. Fortunately, I have yet to humiliate myself in such ridiculous manner. Humpf!

Relieved, I turned my glance toward Jashin.

Covered in cream, dressed in pink, shocked and humiliated, he stared at his fallen worshipper with wide eyes saturated in horror. The headband with the long, fluffy ears, slid down his head and landed in a little pool of blood ( _nose_ blood) on the floor with a muted *swoop*.

As he turned around to face me, his long, silver-blond hair loosened itself from the bun in which I had spun it up in. Smooth, unnaturally beautiful silver-locks softly flowed down over his back and shoulder and swayed in a breeze only he could feel.

He stared at me with big, terrified eyes. "Can I go home now?"

He asked in a very tiny voice...

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 ***^.^***

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 **s/11604740/1/Touched-by-his-noodly-appendage**

 **Okay, that might not have been a real existential crisis, but** **I don't really plan forward so… Shit happens *puts fingers in ears and goes LALALALALALA***

 **And I am so so so so so sorry that it took my so frigin' long time to update… I'm terribly sorry, but I had some cracks in the rainbow and I'm only - yes I know it's hard to believe - but I am only human… Also, I was stupid enough to start up** _ **two**_ **projects on the same time, so I've been busy working on the other one too. I'll do my best to update soon ~**

 **I figured I'd give you guys a bonus for being so patient ~ The link is a side-story to this fic, and I really think you should read it because, one: It's random, two: It's fabulous, and three: There'll be a lot of Deidara and some of his history in Iwa, which I'm kind of contemplating to merge in later (so it's kind of a taster ~) ~**

 **(Next chap: The horrifying Jashin shows his real colors and Kakuzu are having a heart attack) ~ NekoRainbow;**


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